Have you ever been mad at a friend but didn’t really want to deal with it? So you just avoided the person? Or at least avoided being one-on-one with them? That was totally me and God for the last few weeks. I mean, I couldn’t avoid him completely. I was with him in the presence of other people plenty of times while they prayed. Sometimes while those people were praying for me! And I talked about him some, but I completely refused to acknowledge him when it was just the two of us. I didn’t know what might slip out of my mouth, so I didn’t spend any time alone with him. But the tension between us kept building. Until one night when I was alone and couldn’t avoid him any longer. We finally both said at the same time, “We need to talk.” And he was like, “Okay, you go first.” So I did. I cried and told him that I’m mad. Really mad. Even though he’s doing amazing things in my life, and I’m seeing physical proof of his grand love for me, I’m still ticked. I told him that I know part of the reason I’m going through this hard time is so that I can help others somehow. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to help other people. Let them figure this whole faith thing out on their own… and things just went downhill from there. It wasn’t pretty. The whole time God just listened. Then he asked me gently if I was finished. I was crying too hard to say anything, so I nodded like a pouty kid. And he just said, “I love you.” I stopped crying and was like, “What?” He said, “I love you so much Lyndsay, and I’m so proud of you. I want you to be a warrior for me. And I have big plans for your life, but you aren’t ready. This is all happening, so you’ll be ready. Just wait for me.”
I don’t want to be mad, but I’m a spoiled brat at my core. And I can’t seem to help myself sometimes. And sure, I want God to bless me, but I don’t want it to affect my plans or cause me even the slightest discomfort. And while I’ve been asking him to do BIG things in my life for the past year, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. The thing is, I want all the blessings with none of the refinement. But that’s not how it works. I’m a broken person, and in order for God to refine me and build me into the women he created me to be I might have to go through tough times. It’s not easy. I mean… seriously. But it all boils down to this:
Either God is God, or he’s not.
And either he’s good, or he’s not.
And either I trust him with everything, or I don’t.
The good news is that he has never failed me. Not even once. So I’m choosing to rest in him and his promise to never leave me. He is my rock and my refuge.
I wrote that stuff a few weeks ago but didn’t post it, because I didn’t want you to see the ugly.
Then today I realized that if I’m going to say I’m being real with you about this journey, I have to be really real.
So there ya have it! And just FYI, I’m in a much better place now. 🙂
Today Anderson and I met with the most incredible man, who just happens to be my neurosurgeon at Mayo Clinic, and we finally got some answers. Yay! Here’s what we learned: I have a low-grade brain tumor. It’s not malignant and appears to be very slow growing, if at all, so we have two options. 1.) Remove it. 2.) Keep an eye on it and see if it changes. When we were leaving today Anderson asked me if I want to go ahead and have the surgery. He knows me! I’m a “take care of things and move on” type of person. Let’s get this thing out and never think about it again! But I truly believe that God is using this situation to teach me to trust him completely. I mean, if this isn’t the perfect scenario for that then I don’t know what is. Yeah, I have a brain tumor. And it might grow. But it might not. Either way, I know my God is going to take care of me! We don’t even know how long it’s been there, because this year was the first time I’ve ever had a brain scan. It could have been there a really long time! The surgery has some major risks, and after talking it all through with the doctor we’ve decided that for now, we’re just going to watch it.
The doctor also gave us some explanation about the symptoms I had earlier this year… that lead to the tests… that lead to the discovery of the tumor. They’re completely unrelated and a very minor issue! He’s the first person I’ve seen all year who has had answers about that, and I’m very grateful to God for orchestrating some pretty crazy events that brought us here. And today we found out that we have so many random connections to him. Not only is he Brazilian (which makes us “family”), but he also plays soccer with Anderson, is friends with some of our close friends, and has the biggest heart. At one point he told me, with tears in his eyes, not to cry or he would cry too. That stuff is pretty small in the grand scheme, but we took it as a reminder that God has worked out every tiny detail of our journey. And he can do ANYTHING.
Thank you again for praying for me and mine this year. I’m so thankful to have some clarity and a plan. Last night I was thinking about how incredibly blessed I am. God has given me the most amazing life full of people who love me, and I don’t take that lightly. This year has been tough, but God is using it to change me. And for that I’m grateful!
Now it’s time to take a deep breath and celebrate!!!
(We’ll worry about tomorrow later.)