Have you ever been mad at a friend but didn’t really want to deal with it? So you just avoided the person? Or at least avoided being one-on-one with them? That was totally me and God for the last few weeks. I mean, I couldn’t avoid him completely. I was with him in the presence of other people plenty of times while they prayed. Sometimes while those people were praying for me! And I talked about him some, but I completely refused to acknowledge him when it was just the two of us. I didn’t know what might slip out of my mouth, so I didn’t spend any time alone with him. But the tension between us kept building. Until one night when I was alone and couldn’t avoid him any longer. We finally both said at the same time, “We need to talk.” And he was like, “Okay, you go first.” So I did. I cried and told him that I’m mad. Really mad. Even though he’s doing amazing things in my life, and I’m seeing physical proof of his grand love for me, I’m still ticked. I told him that I know part of the reason I’m going through this hard time is so that I can help others somehow. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to help other people. Let them figure this whole faith thing out on their own… and things just went downhill from there. It wasn’t pretty. The whole time God just listened. Then he asked me gently if I was finished. I was crying too hard to say anything, so I nodded like a pouty kid. And he just said, “I love you.” I stopped crying and was like, “What?” He said, “I love you so much Lyndsay, and I’m so proud of you. I want you to be a warrior for me. And I have big plans for your life, but you aren’t ready. This is all happening, so you’ll be ready. Just wait for me.”
I don’t want to be mad, but I’m a spoiled brat at my core. And I can’t seem to help myself sometimes. And sure, I want God to bless me, but I don’t want it to affect my plans or cause me even the slightest discomfort. And while I’ve been asking him to do BIG things in my life for the past year, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. The thing is, I want all the blessings with none of the refinement. But that’s not how it works. I’m a broken person, and in order for God to refine me and build me into the women he created me to be I might have to go through tough times. It’s not easy. I mean… seriously. But it all boils down to this:
Either God is God, or he’s not.
And either he’s good, or he’s not.
And either I trust him with everything, or I don’t.
The good news is that he has never failed me. Not even once. So I’m choosing to rest in him and his promise to never leave me. He is my rock and my refuge.
I wrote that stuff a few weeks ago but didn’t post it, because I didn’t want you to see the ugly.
Then today I realized that if I’m going to say I’m being real with you about this journey, I have to be really real.
So there ya have it! And just FYI, I’m in a much better place now. 🙂
Today Anderson and I met with the most incredible man, who just happens to be my neurosurgeon at Mayo Clinic, and we finally got some answers. Yay! Here’s what we learned: I have a low-grade brain tumor. It’s not malignant and appears to be very slow growing, if at all, so we have two options. 1.) Remove it. 2.) Keep an eye on it and see if it changes. When we were leaving today Anderson asked me if I want to go ahead and have the surgery. He knows me! I’m a “take care of things and move on” type of person. Let’s get this thing out and never think about it again! But I truly believe that God is using this situation to teach me to trust him completely. I mean, if this isn’t the perfect scenario for that then I don’t know what is. Yeah, I have a brain tumor. And it might grow. But it might not. Either way, I know my God is going to take care of me! We don’t even know how long it’s been there, because this year was the first time I’ve ever had a brain scan. It could have been there a really long time! The surgery has some major risks, and after talking it all through with the doctor we’ve decided that for now, we’re just going to watch it.
The doctor also gave us some explanation about the symptoms I had earlier this year… that lead to the tests… that lead to the discovery of the tumor. They’re completely unrelated and a very minor issue! He’s the first person I’ve seen all year who has had answers about that, and I’m very grateful to God for orchestrating some pretty crazy events that brought us here. And today we found out that we have so many random connections to him. Not only is he Brazilian (which makes us “family”), but he also plays soccer with Anderson, is friends with some of our close friends, and has the biggest heart. At one point he told me, with tears in his eyes, not to cry or he would cry too. That stuff is pretty small in the grand scheme, but we took it as a reminder that God has worked out every tiny detail of our journey. And he can do ANYTHING.
Thank you again for praying for me and mine this year. I’m so thankful to have some clarity and a plan. Last night I was thinking about how incredibly blessed I am. God has given me the most amazing life full of people who love me, and I don’t take that lightly. This year has been tough, but God is using it to change me. And for that I’m grateful!
Now it’s time to take a deep breath and celebrate!!!
(We’ll worry about tomorrow later.)
My dear, you AMAZE me. Even if you don’t always amaze yourself. I’m SO glad you were able to get some answers and more importantly, a little peace. If you could see yourself the way other people do, you’d see a glimpse of what God sees in you.
Love ya, M!!! Thank you. 🙂
Thank you, Lyndsay. You’ve blessed me with your testimony and, as far as I’m concerned, GOD pressed you to share that because I needed that particular message at this particular time. Thank you.
Ginger, that’s so sweet, and you’re probably right… it was his idea!
Pretty sure we should hug or high-five after this post. Holy cow. SO GOOD.
Ha! Okay, Jessica. Ready? 1, 2, 3 go!!
Lyndsay, just watched my co-worker and his family here at church walk through the same journey. Praying for you, Anderson, and Kingston. Praying for clarity, endurance, and peace. You have a great support system and that seems to be the majority of the battle.
Russ, Thank you for praying for us! Means a lot!!
Yay! So glad! And proud of you!
you are so brave to share your exoerience, i’m so glad you got some answers. and you’re so spot on when you say God is God or he isn’t! keep your perspective, I will be continuing to pray! xo
I really appreciate it Andrea!!
Since you called this morning I’ve been trying to find the words to express my gratitude to Jesus for the news. Every time I try to tell Him, I can’t do anything but cry. So thankful that He knows our hearts and that the Holy Spirit translates our groanings for us. Punk, thank you for allowing Him to “conform you to the image of His Son.” You are a blessing to this old man. I love you. Never once….
I love you, Pops!
Yea! God is so awesome and I love him more each day! You are an awesome woman too and God is using you in so many ways!
Yes he is!!!
We love you girl and will still be praying. You are an amazing Godly woman. You have a wonderful story that many people would love to hear. God is so GREAT!
Thank you for praying, Marianne!
Ok…*tears*…crying…I get it…you know why. Whew…I’ll be back later. I LOVE YOU and am SO thrilled to read this.
I know you do, Tara. I know you do… if anybody does!! I love you too.
Little sister, I love your transparency and “realness”, it shows how imperfect people are holy unto the Lord. Thanking God for your good news and looking forward to seeing how you will be used to His glory in the days, weeks, and months ahead. I love you.
Thank you “Big Sister.” 🙂 I love you too!
PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD!
I could shout it from the roof tops! And I kinda feel like daddy here…I just cry when I think about it! What a miracle! What a blessing! So SO SO SO SO SO SO thankful!
I hate that we do have to get in those yuck places, but it’s for sure those yuck places where we learn and grow the most. Unfortunately. My dad always calls them ‘character building’. I’d like to think i have ENOUGH character…but at times there’s more stuff to learn.
SO THANKFUL FOR THIS NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE YOU GIRL!
I’m with you, Annie. Sometimes I think, okay God I’ve got it now. ENOUGH! But I so don’t have it figured out… so here we go again. 🙂
Read your story what a blessing you are !! So thankful for you and your family and for Gods protection over you. Thank you for sharing your story. My love my beautiful friend <3
Carrie, That means so much coming from you! I’ve been praying for you this week.
God is faithful. God is good. Praising God for you! I’m thankful we are friends and I can pray for you through this. I love watching you grow more deeper in love with Him through this. It encourages me! Love you!
Girl, I could say the same to you. He put you in m life at just the right time. 🙂 Love you too!!!
Being 1500 miles away certainly puts distance between us; however, it’s great to stay connected via the Internet and be able to keep up with you. I am sorry you are having to go through this, but your optimism and faith in God is refreshing. I don’t know that I could be so brave. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. If there is anything I can ever do to help, please let me know. Moving to Jacksonville and meeting such great friends at Chet’s was so rewarding!!!
KC, You are the sweetest; and we miss you so much!
Lyndsay, you amaze me too! God is already using you in this journey. I love how open & honest you are. Thank you for being an example to me. I love you & will continue to lift you & your family up in prayer.
Thank you! You are so sweet. And I’m thankful for you (and your sweet mom!)
Lyndsay, having been through these medical issues with my mom and two of my three children, I read what you write and smile!!! been thru some tough times but God has always been there even when I was to numb with emotion to notice! praise God you have found a great dr I love the way you write and express yourself we serve and Awesome God! Love you !!!!!
Thank you, Mrs. Deb! You are always so encouraging.
HAPPY,Happy,happy, and so proud of you!!! I Love YOU!
Love you too, Mom!!
Lots of love to you and your family… I’ll keep you in my prayers! <3 Jeremiah 29:11
Holly, That’s one of my favorites! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Hey Lyndsay! I love you and sent you an email just now! I just want to make sure you got it (If not, I emailed it to myself just in case). I just want to uplift and encourage you 🙂
Thank you so much Shelly! I just saw it but haven’t had a chance to read it yet. I will today for sure… thank you!!!
I always feel encouraged when my pastor prays this blessing over the church so maybe you’ll feel encouraged too!
“‘“The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’
Thanks for being real.
LYNDSAY, JESUS HAS KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE IN THE WOMB. I KNOW THAT THE LORD HAS GREAT PLANS FOR YOU. JESUS WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!!!
I NEVER do the facebook thing, but I got up this morning to “watch” a Bible video series that Jared recommended (I’m actually at an educational conference in Orlando). I’m sitting here reading your post and bawling. Yes, bawling like a baby – because I see how mightily the Lord is working in your life! I’ve been praying for you (your sweet mama keeps me informed, and I love her so much!), and now to read your words – how God is orchestrating His plan in your life – is so unbelievably exciting! We are with you on this journey, too, Lyndsay; I think you already know that! 🙂 Much love and prayers in the days ahead!
Oh Lyndsay, I am so sorry that you have been going through all this! 🙁 I do hope and pray for you that you may have the comfort you need and continue to keep your faith in God and know that He is always there dear friend! Thank you for sharing your story, I know it’s hard sometimes to be completely honest on blogs, but someday, somewhere you are giving someone hope and strength. And for me it’s made me be grateful for what I have, and to stop whining about what I don’t have. And that God is always there waiting for us to invite Him into our hearts!! Love you dear friend!!!
Thanks so much Shio. :)))